Feedback can be one of the most precious gifts, but it often doesn’t feel like one. One of the reasons it doesn’t feel like a gift is that most of the time we don’t get feedback at all. Instead, we get a variety of other things that are more about the giver’s intentions than about helping us understand the impact of our behavior.
Let’s look at some common alternatives that are definitely not feedback.
Judgment Isn’t Feedback
The first and most important thing to understand is that judgment is not feedback. Judgment is when we act as if we own the truth and judge whether someone’s behavior is good or bad. When you hear the word judgment, you probably think about judgment being negative—and it can be. Saying that a presentation “sucked” or “was boring,” or accusing someone of being “rude” or “rushed” are all judgments.
But not all judgments are negative. Some judgments are positive, like when praising someone for being “awesome” or “creative.” Whether it’s positive or negative, judgment is not constructive for development. It only tells us whether you liked or disliked something, not why it worked or didn’t work. Plus, judgment can make you defensive and reactive, and positive judgment is often not very meaningful or memorable. So it’s important to avoid judgment in any form.
Instruction and Advice Aren’t Feedback
While not as problematic as judgment, instruction and advice are also not feedback. Instruction is telling someone the right or wrong way to do something, like saying you need to add more visuals to your slides.
Advice might involve sharing personal strategies: “If I’m doing a presentation with a lot of data in it, I always send a pre-read with the data so that I can streamline the presentation slides.” Those are useful in their own right, but they’re different from feedback, which is about sharing how a particular decision affected you.
Instead you might say, for example, “If you put six text slides in a row, I’m going to tune out.” Feedback acknowledges subjectivity and that your experience may not be the only truth. There may well be valid reasons for someone to choose to use six text slides in a row.
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One of the reasons you probably don’t value feedback very much, or tried to give feedback and had a bad or emotional reaction, may be because it was judgment, instruction, or advice instead. We don’t have to give feedback all the time, but when we do, it’s the most valuable thing because it provides insight into the impact of someone’s behavior that they can’t see for themselves.
This week, try to find ways to give positive feedback. Don’t just offer praise or a simple “good job”; be specific about what they did and how it affected you. Look for moments to give feedback about negative impacts as well, and consider where you might want to give direction or advice instead. And in all cases, remember to avoid judgment.
Feedback Series
How Honest Should You Be on 360 Feedback?
How to change a teammate’s bad behavior