Feedback is incredibly valuable because it’s the only way we can understand the impact of our behavior on other people. There really is no other way. We’re usually so focused on what we intended with our behavior that we’re not connected to the actual impact. When you’re generous enough to share with someone how their behavior has affected you, you not only increase their trust, but also make your team more effective.
But giving someone feedback isn’t always easy. Sometimes you have to tell them that their behavior has had a negative impact on you. This can be super uncomfortable because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and you definitely don’t want to make them get all emotional. That’s why it’s important to know how to give negative feedback in a way that’s useful and constructive.
The Negative Feedback Formula
Giving negative feedback is comprised of 3 basic steps. You start with orienting the person, then translate from judgment to behavior and share the impact of their behavior, and then invite them to share their truth.
Let’s break down these steps of giving negative feedback constructively:
Step 1: Orient the Person
The first step in giving negative feedback is to orient the person to the situation you’re talking about. You want to start with a short statement that gets them thinking about what you’re talking about. Like, “in our hallway conversation this morning,” “in that meeting we had,” “on the Zoom call earlier.” Something small like that so they know exactly what you’re talking about.
Step 2: Translate from Judgment
The second and most important step in giving negative feedback is to translate the judgment you’re feeling. You’re thinking, “You’ve shut me out.” “You don’t think I can do my job.” “You were rude.” Those are judgments about the other person, about how they felt, which is not going to be helpful in giving feedback. And frankly, you don’t really know what they’re thinking or feeling. It’s going to be important to translate from judgment to behavior.
Let’s look at an example. “In our hallway conversation this morning, when you started talking about Fred when Fred wasn’t there…” that’s a behavior. Now you can proceed with the new information about how their behavior landed with you. It would look something like, “In our hallway conversation this morning, when you started talking about Fred when Fred wasn’t there, I felt really uncomfortable because it felt like gossip and I’m really not comfortable with that kind of conversation.”
Step 3: Ask Questions
The final step in giving negative feedback is to ask a question that invites the other person to share their truth with you. Great feedback is about you sharing your truth and the other person sharing theirs. Great feedback is about two truths, not just one.
You might say something like, “In our hallway conversation this morning, when you mentioned Fred when he wasn’t there, I felt really uncomfortable because it felt like gossip. What was going through your mind? What was your goal in talking to me about this?” And maybe the person will just say, “I’m so sorry, that’s not how I wanted to come across,” or, “I was just venting because I was frustrated.” Because you ask questions, you might learn that what they really wanted was your help and advice on how to talk to Fred.
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What’s one message you want to share with someone? What’s an interaction you had that isn’t sitting well with you? What’s something a person did in their work that you think could be done so much better? And how do you frame it so that you’re more objective about their behavior, but much more subjective and open and honest about the impact of their behavior?
Go ahead and try it. In the next and final post, we’ll look at when to give feedback… and when not to.
Feedback Series
Exercise: Giving Feedback Gently
The Vicious Cycle of Bad Behavior