Hi!
It’s been a while.
I hit pause on the newsletter to reflect and be more deliberate about how I could best be of service. I didn’t come up with any great answers, but here’s one attempt at a new, snappier format. Let me know what you think.
Going Under
Smart, driven, ambitious people are in the deep end, and we’re struggling to keep our heads above water. It’s partly the cognitive demands: too much to pay attention to. It’s equally the emotional burdens: so many triggers. And it’s exacerbated by dwindling energy, motivation, and drive to keep treading water when the pace never lets up.
But the thing to do when you’re going under is to peel off all but the necessary layers in an effort to stay afloat. That’s not what’s happening. Even while we’re going under, people are taking on more.
What’s going on?
Fight, Flee, Freeze, or Fawn
Simply put: We’re scared.
And when we don’t feel safe, our brains sound the alarm and marshal some impressive resources in an effort to protect us.
You’ve heard the standard descriptions of your threat response options as fight or flight. Stand up and defend your ground (or to turn tail and run like the wind).
Those aren’t the only options. You’ve probably also heard (or felt) a third option: freeze. Do nothing. Pretend you didn’t hear. Who? Me?
Psychologists now recognize a fourth option: fawn.
Fawning is responding to a threat by appeasing, submitting, and deferring to power, like when Fido responds to Cujo at the dog park by rolling on his back and tucking his tail between his legs.
Pete Walker fleshed out the concept of fawning as part of his work with victims of trauma. Fawning is a PTSD response.
But I’m seeing something akin to the fawning response in the workplace. “I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it!” “Please don’t yell at me!” “Just don’t fire me!”
What’s Happening?
The logical conclusions are alarming. If people are submitting, appeasing, and deferring to power, it must be because:
- The workplace doesn’t feel safe. Having a job doesn’t feel so certain. The threat is becoming traumatic.
- Managers are seen as threatening menaces to appease rather than rational allies to rely on.
- Saying “no” feels like a risky move, and advocating for a reasonable workload feels impossible.
When I encourage people to say “no” to unreasonable expectations, they often look at me with wide, pleading eyes. “How do I say “no” to my boss?” It just doesn’t even seem in the realm of possibility for many people. They believe they have to attempt it all. Sure, I’m drowning, but throw me another anvil, I’ve got it.
The Death Spiral
The problem is that saying yes to unmanageable activities, to unachievable goals, to delusional expectations makes it almost impossible to deliver. And failing to deliver makes punitive responses more likely.
Punishment means more threat, more fawning, more failure, more disappointment, more punishment.
Ask Yourself
- What are you doing to avoid triggering the threat response in your team?
- How can you recognize when “yes” is just placating you so you’ll go away, rather than a commitment and the accountability to deliver?
- Where can you prioritize so that the answer doesn’t have to be “not at all,” it can be “not yet,” “not me,” or “not unless.” More on the healthier alternatives to saying “no” here.