In my previous message, I made the claim that fighting basic psychology is a losing battle. In a time of heavy thoughtload and pervasive overwhelm, we need to work with our inclinations, not against them. To that end, I offered up a hack to help you “switch your they” so that when you naturally fret about what they think, you’re worrying about the right people.
Let’s stick with the idea of hacking into your basic psychology, and this time go after the nasty narratives around things you have to do. “Ugh, I have to go to that meeting.” “Sigh. I have to write that report.” “Ew, I have to clean the bathroom.” Notice that as soon as you frame it as something you have to do, it feels daunting and zaps your energy? (We seldom say we have to eat dessert or we have to scroll on TikTok.)
Now, I’ve heard other unicorn sparkle crusaders suggest that you shift from saying you “have to” to saying you “want to,” but that’s a little too much even for me. I certainly don’t want to clean the bathroom. Let’s not get carried away.
I’m going to offer another option. What if you choose to do it? ‘Cause, to be fair, there are probably very few things in life you have to do. Sure, if you don’t go to the meeting, you might get a nasty follow-up message, and if you don’t clean the bathroom, you might spread some nasty gastro bug through your family; if you don’t renew your license, you might get pulled over and thrown into jail, but still, you have the option, right?
In most cases, you do something because you choose to. So be honest with yourself.
I’m choosing to go to this meeting because our team sucks at communicating the action items, and going is the easiest way to stay up to date.
Or, I’m choosing to go to this meeting because my point of view is different from everyone else’s, and I want to make sure it gets a hearing.
Or, I’m choosing to go to this meeting because at least there I can stare blankly out the window for an hour rather than working on this really vexing proposal I’m supposed to be writing. (Too on the nose??)
Now… here’s the interesting thing. If you’re honest with yourself about why you’re choosing to do something, you might not love the answer. And confronting the truth might energize you to find a better choice.
If you’re going to the meeting not because you need to be there for the deliberations, but because you need the action items, could you instead ask the meeting chair to document the outcomes and send them to you? Could you ask for a transcript so you can review them in a few minutes rather than attending a full meeting? Could you choose a better option?
When you tell yourself you have to do something, you remove the agency and the optionality; you sign yourself up for drudgery. When you choose to do something, you do it for a good reason, or you jolt yourself onto a different path.
Ask Yourself
How can I choose it or lose it?
- What am I doing because I feel like I have to, not because I choose to?
- Do I really need to do it? What would be the consequences of not doing it?
- Why am I choosing to do it? What makes it worth doing?
- Is there a better choice I could make?
I get that it can feel like you have no choice but to do certain things, and I agree that not doing some things can have truly aversive consequences. But don’t give away your agency so easily. If it’s the right thing to do, choose to do it. If it’s not, don’t.
Choose it or lose it.
With you in the deep end,
Liane