Fighting basic human psychology is a losing battle. And going against our nature is more taxing than we can afford right now. For example, we’re built to conserve energy, so relying on willpower might be a poor approach. So instead of swimming upstream, you need ways to hack the system so your inclinations work to your benefit.
I’m going to focus on three of these hacks over the next few articles. Today, let’s hack your they. What do I mean by hacking your “they?” I mean rethinking all the things you do (or don’t do) because of what someone else will think.
Will they like it? Will they reward me? Will they turn me into a new office meme that I will never live down?
You probably understand the power that they have over you, and you might have had moments when you curse them and swear off being influenced by them forever. “I don’t care what they think, I’m doing it anyway!”
I get it. I’ve done that too. But you’re human, and that means you’re a social creature. So, it’s hard to pretend you don’t care what other people think for long—especially if those people hold sway over you.
So, how do you make the power of they work to your advantage?
The best option is to change your they.
I had to do this when I wrote Thoughtload. I’m a recovering academic gal, and I learned to write books that were 65,000 words and full of solid, serious stuff. My first three books were all like that. Then I decided managers needed a book to help them cope with how overwhelming life is these days. A book written in that old model was going to feel more like throwing a drowning person an anvil than a life ring.
I turned my model on its head, shortened the book by 20,000 words, moved the research and citations to the back, and printed it in soft cover. I did everything in my power to make the book buoyant.
Right before I launched the book at the University of Toronto Rotman School of Management, I had a mini crisis of faith. Was this book serious enough? Weighty enough? Would the impressive academics laugh me off the stage for my cheeky metaphors and abundant alliteration? To be candid, I was a bit nauseated at the thought that my book wasn’t worthy.
Until I realized that I was obsessing about the wrong they. I’m always going to be a person who cares deeply what they think, but I didn’t set out to write this book for academics; I wrote it for managers at wit’s end, trying to keep their own heads above water while simultaneously trying to rescue everyone else.
Sure, the academics might find my story of a knight encountering fire-breathing dragons juvenile, but the managers love how sticky that metaphor is.
The academics might think a soft cover book looks cheap, but the managers love how light it is, so they can take it on the go.
The academics might be annoyed by having to go to the end notes for the research references, but the managers are relieved not to have to stumble over citations for Dufus, et al, 2024 mid-paragraph.
You see, I care what they think. I care a LOT about what they think. But the secret was figuring out which they I really care about [1].
Ask Yourself
How can I find some relief in shifting my they?
- Who is the most important beneficiary of my work? What matters to them?
- How can I increase the connection and communication with the people that I want to impress?
- Who gets in the way of meeting my true beneficiaries’ needs, and what can I do to satisfy them without being derailed by them?
- What story am I telling myself that’s keeping me stuck on the wrong they?
- How can I advocate for this shift in they to my manager?
I get the frustration and empathize with the occasional roar of I DON’T CARE WHAT THEY THINK shouted into the abyss. Unfortunately, pretending you don’t care what they think won’t last long. The healthier alternative is to work with your natural human tendencies to try to impress people, but to make sure it’s the right people you’re trying to impress.
Switch your they.
[1] Funny thing is that I learned many academics have thoughtload that’s just as high as everyone else and they were equally relieved to read a buoyant book for a change.
What I’m Excited About
If you haven’t joined Thoughtworld yet, now’s a good time. It’s the companion community for my book, Thoughtload: a space to apply and deepen the concepts in the book, alongside peers navigating the same challenges. You’ll find content, tools, live sessions, and community discussion aimed at leaders, teams, and coaches ready to manage thoughtload for themselves, their teams and their clients. I like to think of it as a living extension of the book.
And in September, we’ll be taking a big step forward. We’re launching new chapter-by-chapter courses with videos, hands-on practice exercises, and a community working through the book’s frameworks together, so you’re not just reading about managing your thoughtload, you’re actually building the habits that stave off burnout before it takes hold.
▸ Join today and help us build the kind of community that actually moves the needle on your thoughtload: https://thoughtworld.circle.so/welcome-to-thoughtworld/
With you in the deep end,
Liane