I’m starting to worry that there’s not enough empathy in our teams these days. And empathy is super important. Research shows that when we are empathetic and can understand and appreciate the emotional state of our teammates, our teams have higher collective intelligence. We’re just smarter as a team, and we get better outcomes on a whole variety of different problem-solving tasks. So empathy matters, but it’s in short supply.
Why You Should Care About Empathy
Sometimes, sympathy isn’t in short supply, meaning teams start to feel the same. Emotional contagion can take a whole team down, which isn’t healthy. We don’t want sympathy where we all have the same mood swings as colleagues and feel the same thing, whether highs or lows. We do want empathy, where we have a little intellectual and emotional distance from it, but we can appreciate it and understand where someone is.
Two Benefits of Empathy
1. Less Drama
When we have greater empathy, we’ll have less drama. This sounds counterintuitive. You might ask yourself, “But if I make space for emotions, aren’t I going to get the drama, gossip, and whining?” The answer is no. Emotions turn to drama when they don’t have a healthy outlet or when people enable them and don’t work through them. However, we get less drama when we empathize, understand that emotions exist, and help somebody work through them.
We also gain greater trust, and we know that teams with greater trust have many positive aspects: They’re more productive, innovative, and engaged. We want the trust from your colleagues’ understanding that you care and notice what they’re feeling and experiencing.
2. More Awareness
Another benefit of being empathetic is that you can learn what someone’s triggers are if you pay attention. Are there things in your own team processes that are creating more stress than they need to? By empathizing and understanding how the way you do things affects people emotionally, you can actually learn and make things better. There are lots of benefits to it.
How to Think Differently
What if you’re not feeling it? What if you have a ton of stuff going on, have your own emotions you’re trying to manage, or think emotions aren’t professional for the workplace? How do you think differently?
I will tell you that as long as there are humans in the workplace, there are emotions in the workplace. And the more we manage them effectively, the more effective our teams will be. But what do you do?
1. Talk About Emotions
First, I talk about emotions and think about emotions as another piece of data. We often, especially those who consider ourselves more logical, believe that data, facts, statistics, and evidence are more important and valid than emotions. Emotions, however, are just another set of information; they are how the human brain works. We make decisions emotionally. We process our world emotionally. Trying to deny that is not very effective. Instead, say to yourself, “Okay, I need the facts and the statistics, and I also need to understand the emotional state.” Put it as another piece of data. It can help you frame it as something more constructive and more positive.
2. Don’t Get Distracted
Next, don’t get distracted by someone’s emotional state. People’s emotions are driven by the story they tell themselves about something deeper—something they value, believe deeply in, or care about. They interpret these emotional signals in their bodies as a threat to something they value.
Don’t get distracted by someone with tears running down their face or someone red in the face and yelling. Instead, think, “Oh, okay. What is that about?” Empathize with their emotion, but focus on understanding where it’s coming from. What story are they telling themselves? What treasure are they protecting? What feels under threat? If you can get to the root with questions about how they interpret the situation and what’s at stake from their perspective, or if you can get them to reveal the treasure to you, you’ll be in a better situation to help them process the emotion and get to the other side of it. That is really important.
3. Give Them Your Hypothesis
Share your hypotheses as you ask these questions and try to understand their treasure and emotional state. Tell them what you are sensing, but be careful not to present it as a statement like, “Okay, so you’re upset because of this.” That approach can feel intrusive and overstepping, so don’t do that.
But you can propose it as a hypothesis. “As I’m listening to you, it sounds like this might be about not having a project plan. There are a lot of moving parts, and it feels like maybe you’re uncertain about what’s needed from you and what’s coming next.” When you do this, what’s fascinating is that you demonstrate empathy. You show that you’re picking up on the fact that there’s an emotional aspect, not just an intellectual one, and that you’re going to make space for that and appreciate it, which is great.
Another interesting aspect is that if you put out a hypothesis, the person might still need to understand what their big emotions are about. They may not have formed a cognitive story behind their feelings. By offering a hypothesis, you might help them gain clarity. They might respond, “No, that’s not really it.” Often, we hesitate to say anything because we’re afraid of being wrong. However, if you present it as, “I sense that,” or, “Is it this,” they will likely appreciate your empathy. They might then clarify, saying, “Now that I think about it, it’s more that I’m anxious,” or, “I’m anticipating my team will be anxious.” This helps both of you understand their emotions better. Your empathy creates a safe space for them to process their feelings.
4. Stay On Their Side
The final thing is when we get more empathetic, particularly when we feel these things strongly and how aversive it is for the person, it’s easy to jump in and solve things for them or rescue them. That is not being empathetic. In many ways, the person can misinterpret that as “You don’t trust me” or “You don’t think I can deal with my own issues.” You know, “Who are you? You’re overstepping.” So stay with them, remain beside them as they move through it, but don’t make the mistake of trying to take the lead, if anything, just that gentle hand on their back, which could be, “Okay, where from here,” or “What do you need?” Those kinds of things. Don’t rescue them, though. Don’t say, “Oh, I’m going to rush off and get us a project plan.” Solving for somebody isn’t empathetic at all. That’s a big secret.
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Being empathetic leads to all sorts of really positive, business-oriented, productive things on our teams. It’s just a matter of paying attention, being with somebody, asking questions, and being curious, but it means the world to people, and you’ll see how much it strengthens your relationships.
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