What do you do if you notice that one of your colleagues or teammates is being treated poorly by someone else on the team—especially if they’re being treated poorly by their boss? It’s one of those situations where you can add a lot of value and really support someone by not letting them suffer in solitude.
5 Ways to Offer Support at Work
But what can you do?
Let’s walk through a few different ways that you can help:
1. Notice and Validate
The first thing you can do is notice and validate what they’re feeling. They may be wondering, “Is this just me, or am I mistaken?” A supportive approach is to acknowledge and validate their emotions. For example, ” I didn’t like the way that person treated you in the meeting today. How did you experience that?” This gives them a safe place. And having a safe environment is invaluable.
2. Listen and Empathize
The next thing you can do is listen and empathize. After acknowledging and validating their feelings, they may open up and share stories or emotions in a flood or a trickle. Make sure you let them set the pace. Your role is to listen attentively. You can ask occasional questions, but for the most part stay quiet. You want to support them with your open body language and occasional affirmations like “Oh, I see,” or “That sounds difficult,” but don’t get in the way of them expressing themselves. The key aspect of this second step is to listen attentively and demonstrate empathy.
3. Don’t Superimpose Your Values
A third aspect to consider is to refrain from projecting your own feelings or values onto them. It’s not helpful to say something like, “If that happened to me, I’d be so angry.” While it’s natural to consider your own perspective, it’s not theirs, and it’s important to recognize that their experience may be different. Instead of imposing your feelings, focus on helping your friend understand their own feelings. Asking questions and listening attentively is far more supportive than prescribing your reaction or telling them how they should act or feel.
4. Challenge and Reframe Their Thinking
Another thing you can do is help them challenge and reframe their perspective on the situation. When we’re treated badly, it’s very easy to catastrophize small instances into believing the entire relationship is damaged. By helping your friend consider whether the issue is inherent to them and irreversible because they can’t change who they are, or more likely situational and changeable because changing behavior is possible, you help make the problem more manageable and achievable.
Ask questions to help them challenge and reframe their thinking:
- I know you’re assuming your boss thinks poorly of you, but is it possible the criticism was about the project, that your work wasn’t the quality or standard they were looking for?
- What if you learned a bit more and could fix this problem?
By asking questions and challenging defeatist thoughts, you guide them to see the situation in a more contextual light, rather than interpreting it as a reflection of their character or abilities.
5. Provide Feedback
The final way to support the colleague who’s been treated poorly without involving others is to offer feedback and coaching on their next steps. For example, If the boss was overly critical and dismissive about their work, you could say, “I’d be happy to take a look at your next draft. Let’s see if there are any improvements that I can suggest before you submit it.” Or if they’re planning to address a colleague or boss who’s been treating them poorly, you could propose helping them with a dry run. This helps your friend practice the conversation and allows them to brainstorm how to approach it and anticipate the boss’s reaction.
Providing constructive feedback or a safe space to practice can be really helpful for the person who’s figuring out how to cope on their own. This approach allows them to stay in control. You’re not taking over for them, you’re not rescuing them, you’re providing a little support to make it easier.
Getting Directly Involved
If you witness abusive, unfriendly, or unkind behavior firsthand, then you might choose to intervene directly. In such circumstances, here are a few options:
1. Block and Tackle
One of the things you can do is block and tackle, which means that if you see the bad behavior yourself, jump in. For example:
- If somebody’s interrupting a colleague, you can say, “Hang on, I’d like to hear the end of that.”
- If they’re shooting down your colleague’s ideas, you can say, “I think that’s worth having a full hearing. I’m interested to hear that. Can we go back?”
What you’re doing is lending your credibility. You’re creating a safe space for your colleague, while also sending a clear message to either your boss or your teammates that such behavior is unacceptable. You’re not saying, “Stop that,” or doing it in a way that will land you in trouble. You’re blocking and tackling, which is a diplomatic way of facilitating your colleague’s ability to finish the point they were trying to make.
2. Alert and Inform
Another option for direct involvement is to alert and inform people of what’s going on. In some cases, bad behavior or poor treatment is happening and nobody else knows. It’s very insular within your team. If the perpetrator is your boss or another superior there may be hesitancy among team members to speak up. In such instances, stepping in to speak on behalf of the individual on the receiving end of the abuse can be immensely supportive.
So if there’s another team member who has significant credibility with the boss or with the person who’s being nasty, you could approach them for insight. Some questions you might ask include:
- What do you think this is about?
- What advice would you give about handling this situation?
- Is there anything this person could do differently?
These actions serve to notify others that someone is struggling and that they need some help. Perhaps this individual will then be willing to block and tackle on your colleague’s behalf, as well.
It may also be that the situation qualifies as discrimination or an abuse of power and you’ll want to alert and inform human resources. In these situations providing a heads-up can be incredibly beneficial.
Now, I always advise that when you find yourself in this alert and inform situation, that’s exactly what you’re doing. It’s crucial to approach it with the intention of seeking guidance, rather than engaging in gossip or tattling. Instead of focusing on complaining about the individual’s behavior, seek advice on how to address the issue effectively. Ask questions. For example:
- This is what I see happening. What would you advise?
- How would you coach me to support my colleague?
- How would you coach my colleague?
This approach maintains accountability and promotes constructive resolution, rather than simply seeking retribution. And it’s a better tactic when you’re trying to provide support for the recipient of that abuse or bad behavior.
3. Connect and Refer
Finally, there are instances when the challenges become too overwhelming for your colleague to endure and they may either leave the team or exit the organization entirely. In these circumstances, you can offer valuable assistance by connecting them to opportunities, recommending resources, referring them to places, and opening up your network.
You can also provide huge support in helping them reflect on and think about what they learned from this bad experience. You might even be able to offer insights into environments that could be a better fit for them and advise on things to avoid. But by showing them empathy and that even if they’re not your teammate anymore, you still care about them, that you feel bad about what happened, and by making sure they understand that it doesn’t reflect negatively on them or imply that everyone on the team felt the same way, you can provide reassurance.
When you give them helpful insight into their strengths, when you open up your network or refer them or help them make connections, you demonstrate genuine care. This is a profoundly positive gesture because most people aren’t bad. Most people encounter challenges in certain roles or they have a poor fit with certain teammates or bosses, but they may go on and thrive somewhere else. By sustaining that connection and supporting them through the roughest time, you’re likely to cultivate a valuable relationship that can benefit you throughout your career.
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It’s a difficult situation when you notice that one of your colleagues is being treated poorly, but you can do many things. The first thing is to establish a safe environment for them to express their feelings, process what they’re going through, and assure them of your support.
Second, consider intervening directly with the person who’s behaving badly or seeking the assistance of others who may be in a position to help and change things. And ultimately, if the person decides to leave the organization, continue to support them as a friend and former colleague, nurturing a relationship that will be beneficial for years to come.
But don’t be a bystander. Don’t leave people to suffer in solitude. Instead, do something to help the teammate who’s being treated badly.
If you want more about how to deal with those interpersonal kinds of conflicts, you’ll find that here.
Support Effective Decision-Making When You’re Not in Charge
How to change a teammate’s bad behavior
Video: Conflict Resolution in the Workplace: Interpersonal Conflict