You’re dealing with a manipulative coworker. I’m sorry. That sucks. It’s hard for me to know exactly what you’re dealing with because there are so many different varieties of manipulative coworker. What they all have in common is that they’re trying to influence you to behave in ways you wouldn’t otherwise.
This isn’t the same as an influential or persuasive coworker who uses logic to bring you around to their way of thinking. Nope. This is someone who uses deceitful or underhanded tactics to get you to do something you probably aren’t comfortable with.
The Manipulator Menagerie
Do these sound familiar? Do you have a colleague who:
- Sucks up to you and flatters you in hopes of winning your favor — just a little over-the-top with their attention and praise to the point that it feels fake?
- Lies or gaslights you, trying to get you to question what’s real. Their version of the truth bears no resemblance to what you’ve seen with your own eyes, but they make you feel stupid for questioning them?
- Is a control freak who forces you into situations where you don’t have many options, making it more likely you’ll do what they want. They spring things on you in front of people, corner you where you have no one to back you up, or wait until the last minute so things are urgent and you have no choice but to go along.
Other manipulators:
- Take credit for your work
- Try to get you on their side by creating a common enemy or threat
- Play the victim to get your support
- Withhold information to keep you in the dark and make you look less important or valuable than them
Tell me in the comments if I missed your manipulator’s modus operandi.
How to Deal with a Manipulative Coworker
This is serious stuff, so what can you do to protect yourself from a manipulative coworker?
1. Listen to Your Gut
Notice and listen to your gut. If your spidey sense is tingling, there’s probably something worth paying attention to. Don’t automatically assume you’re overreacting. Instead, be cautious and pay attention to how they behave from now on.
2. Talk to Someone You Trust
Talk to someone you trust. Share what you’re experiencing and ask how they would interpret your colleague’s behavior. Are there other explanations? Maybe they have some tips for what you could try to get a different reaction from the person? Those are worth a try.
3. Offer Some Feedback
You can try giving the person some feedback. If they frequently speak ill of someone else on the team, try telling them you’d prefer they not talk about that person when they aren’t there to defend themselves. If they took credit for your work, let them know how that felt.
If the person was unaware of how their behavior was landing, it gives them a chance to course correct. If they were aware, now they know you’re not an easy target. Being direct is super important with a manipulator.
4. Understand What They’re After
It’s also important to remember that their manipulation isn’t a sign of strength — it’s a sign of weakness. They’re doing this because they don’t have the skills to influence you and earn your support, so they’re trying to coerce you instead. If you can understand what they’re after, you might be able to help them enlist your support in a constructive and healthy way rather than by creating false enemies.
5. Protect Yourself
While it’s good to have empathy and to realize that this person is probably manipulating you because they don’t have the skills to earn support the old-fashioned way, you still need to protect yourself.
Keep track of your conversations and commitments to one another. Copy in your manager where necessary to ensure that their behavior doesn’t go unnoticed. Also, be careful not to share sensitive information with them or disclose anything that might be used against you later.
6. Create Some Distance
Where possible, create some distance from the person. Don’t engage in casual conversations with them and try not to be alone with them where they have a better chance of feeding you false information or stealing your ideas.
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Sadly, there are people out there who think the fastest path from point A to point B is on the low road. Listen to your gut and take steps to reduce the impact of their attempts to manipulate you.