It may be tempting to dismiss a passive-aggressive coworker as unworthy of your time or effort, but I want you to consider another perspective: perhaps their indirect approach is due to fear rather than laziness or malice.
Few people like passive-aggressive behavior. I know I don’t! But it’s important to be a little empathetic because it may come from a genuine fear of expressing concerns directly. It certainly gives you pause to think, and maybe it makes you think that there are some constructive ways that you can approach the situation.
In circumstances where someone avoids raising concerns directly and resorts to indirect behaviors such as whispering in the hallway, having side meetings after meetings, or being sarcastic, you’ll want to think about two aspects. First, you’ll want to consider how to make things more comfortable and create a safer environment for open dialogue, where raising issues or concerns directly isn’t risky, but encouraged. Second, you want to find ways to make passive-aggressive behavior less comfortable, to deter it.
But how?
1. Make Saying Things Directly Comfortable
You can approach the situation by addressing their behavior directly. For example, you might say, “I noticed during today’s meeting that your comment about the project seemed to have some underlying concerns. Could you share more about what’s on your mind?” Give them a safe, private space to share with you. And during the conversation, inquire about why they didn’t raise their concerns in the meeting. This may help uncover their fears, past experiences, or concerns about their social capital within the team.
And in those cases, what you might be able to do is either say, “Hey, let me talk to you about how you might raise this issue.” You might even say, “I think that’s something I’m comfortable raising, and now that you’ve brought it to my attention, I agree that it’s a problem.”
You’re helping to make it easier.
Even during a meeting, if someone is being passive-aggressive, you can help make it more comfortable. For example, if they’re being sarcastic or rolling their eyes in disapproval about something, intervene. Say something like, “I don’t think we’re fully aligned on this matter. Can we take another pass at it?” Use your credibility and confidence to create a space to raise issues directly and openly.
2. Make Being Passive-Aggressive Less Comfortable
The second aspect is making passive-aggressive behavior less comfortable. While we don’t want to intimidate someone who likely already feels anxious and uncertain, it’s important to express concerns about the consequences of avoiding direct communication. For example, emphasize that unresolved issues can worsen team dynamics, lead to resentment, and possibly erode trust. Express genuine worry about the repercussions of not addressing the issue directly.
What you’re trying to do is help the person understand that it can be easier than they think to raise something constructively, while also emphasizing that there are more costs and downsides to being passive-aggressive than they might realize. Address both aspects of this equation.
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Now, take a moment to think if there are any situations or colleagues who consistently frustrate you with passive aggressiveness, where underneath their actions lies a fear stemming from a lack of confidence or uncertainty about how to broach issues directly, and see if you can help bring the issue out into the open and resolve it once and for all.
By the way, there are other reasons for passive aggressiveness and other ways to deal with it. Here’s some more in-depth stuff about passive-aggressive behavior on your team.
What To Say to a Passive-aggressive Coworker
Tools to stop passive-aggressive behavior