Can we start by stipulating that you have blind spots in your self-awareness and risks you can’t see from your vantage point? Or do I need to invoke the name of Dr. Tasha Eurich and hit you with her findings that only 10-15% of people are fully self-aware? Ok, good. Now that we’ve accepted reality, we can get on with figuring out what emotional blind spots might be holding you back and what to do about it.
Common Emotional Blind Spots
I can’t possibly describe all the emotional traffic I see tucked dangerously out of sight in people’s blind spots, but here are a few that cause collisions and calamities for my clients.
Fear, Ego, and Defensiveness
What? Inflated estimates of your competence, contribution, or irreplaceability and a persistent need to devalue any evidence to the contrary.
So What? Unwillingness to ask for help. Resistance to feedback. Creating adversaries from people who are fed up with your inflated ego. Career Killer: Most people don’t want you to succeed.
Now What? Force yourself to confront your weaknesses. Weaknesses are nothing to fear because you can mitigate them. Then, go look for your blind spots. Ask people to help you understand how your behavior lands. Use this approach to soften the blow.
Ignorance of Your Triggers
What? Sensitivities that cause you to change mindset and behavior in the blink of an eye
So What? People find you unpredictable, rash, or moody and walk on eggshells without knowing what to expect. Career Killer: you’re not trustworthy, and it’s too risky to put you in important situations.
Now What? Start journalling to identify what correlates with your changes in perception. What stories are you telling yourself, and what alternate frames can you use to change your reaction?
Lack of Empathy
What? Inability or unwillingness to consider the emotional state of others.
So What? You come across as self-centered, create emotional distance, set up an adversarial dynamic with people who should be your allies, and likely stick with ineffective influence strategies because you don’t have the insight to tailor your communication appropriately. Career Killer: you’re going to make enemies, so you’re not getting assignments where diplomacy is required.
Now What? Build a list of questions you can default to in any conversation. How are you thinking about this? What impact would this have on you? What needs to be true for this to work for you? Practice Level III listening and validation skills.
Avoidance of Conflict
What? The belief that avoiding conflict is the right path and that maintaining harmony, even if it requires compromise or capitulation, is better than arguing or advocating for your position.
So What? People walk all over you, and you let down the stakeholders who are counting on you to fight for them. As you get deeper into conflict, it becomes counterproductive and stressful as your resentment festers. Career Killer: You’re not getting roles where you need to advocate and influence.
Now What? Start by mapping out your conflict obligations. What experience, expertise, and insight must your role bring to deliberations? What stakeholders are counting on and to lobby for what? Once you understand your responsibility, build your conflict skills.
Emotional Detachment
What? Disinterest, ambivalence, and lack of motivation to engage in the work and social dynamics of the team.
So What? You come across as someone who’s not a team player. Therefore, you don’t get the team’s full support or the benefit of the doubt. Career Killer: Nobody thinks of you for plum opportunities because you just don’t seem like you care.
Now, What? First, consider whether detachment might be a sign of burnout or other mental health issues. If you worry that it might be, consult a doctor. If your detachment is due to your mindset, start strengthening your relationships with your teammates individually. Start with the person you find most interesting, friendly, or valuable, and build from there.
Resentment and Envy
What? Focus on what your colleagues have that you don’t have, jealousy over their positive experiences and outcomes.
So What? Rather than joining in and basking in the good news, your attitude and behavior make other people’s good news a source of animosity. They stop sharing the good news with you, and you find yourself outside the inner circle and painted as someone full of sour grapes. Career Killer: You’re not a team player, and the higher you get in organizations, the more you need to be one.
Now What? Reframe your envy into something constructive so you can feel a part of their success while learning from it to make yourself more successful in the future. Take it as an opportunity to celebrate them and ask for their insights about what you might do differently to be more successful.
Change Resistance
What? Concern and reluctance to embrace new ways of doing things and constant anchoring back to how things were in the past.
So What? You are perceived as someone who is past your best before date and unwilling to create the changes required to continue growing. You get passed over for exciting opportunities. Career Killer: Nobody pictures you when they think about the future.
Now What? Consider the ways the world is changing and how those factors beyond your control might make retaining the status quo riskier than shifting. Lead with things you wish could be different, and be candid about your concerns.
Under-confidence
What? Imposter phenomenon or other misrepresentations about your capabilities or your value to the team.
So What? Your falsely deflated sense of your worth translates into how others see you. You miss opportunities and get taken advantage of because you’re unwilling to advocate for yourself. Career Killer: It’s hard to expect people to believe in you if you don’t believe in yourself.
Now What? This is difficult to change, and if the root causes of your low self-esteem are deep, therapy might be required. If the issue is more situational, start shifting your perspective, keeping track of things you do that come easily, receive positive feedback, or evoke pride. Start noticing what you’re good at and discussing those things with your manager.
Conclusion
We all have a range of strengths on the various dimensions of emotional intelligence. You probably can’t be amazing at all of them, and you definitely don’t need to be. But having a weakness or something you’re not great at is very different than having a blind spot. A weakness you can manage and mitigate. You’re aware of it and can do something to ensure it doesn’t cause problems for you or your team.
A blind spot is different. A blind spot is an unknown and unmitigated risk. Spend some time thinking about whether you have any of these common emotional blind spots and take action to reduce its negative impact on your career.